You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
