I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
