I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
