If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
