So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
