I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
