Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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