hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
