bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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