So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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