Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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