my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
