I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
