I can text with my tongue
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
