am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
