Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
BRING THE BAGELS
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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