dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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