So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
