so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
a search helicopter?!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
