Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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