oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
