I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
