I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
