I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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