Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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