I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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