Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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