M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
