I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
