she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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