Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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