So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
