I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
