Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
