i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
