The maid of honor just puked.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
