So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
