If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
