some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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