I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
did i walk over a car last night?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
