how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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