ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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