Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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