k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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