why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
