Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
