I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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