I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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