my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
