I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
