he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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