so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
