I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
